Ditch Stress

“And I’m lonesome when you’re around
And I’m never lonesome when I’m by myself
And I miss you when you’re around” – Modest Mouse

That feeling of loneliness, even when surrounded by people? Yeah, I’ve been there, may times.

Not sure if there are any other Modest Mouse fans here, but when I first heard Baby Blue Sedan and the lyrics above, they hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt seen in my loneliness around others.

I’ve always been a bit of a loner. Even in elementary school, I’d walk around at recess with my yellow Sony Walkman, listening to Gene Pitney mix tapes my mom made me. I got bullied a lot, and being alone felt safer. Plus, I liked walking by myself with my tunes—it’s still one of my favorite things to do.

But being alone is a funny thing. If you like being alone, solitude can be very healing. I love to be alone in busy places, just listening to my music and watching all the people.

But I am also so familiar with those other types of alone—the one where you wish you were with other people (or someone in particular), and the one that might be even worse, where you’re with other people but feel utterly, totally, and completely alone.

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Loneliness: A Growing Epidemic

In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness a public health epidemic, stating that about half of U.S. adults experience loneliness. Research shows that loneliness increases the risk of premature death by 26-32%—comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day!

This has massive impacts on our mental and physical health and is also on the rise. A 2020 Cigna study found that 61% of Americans reported feeling lonely, up from 54% in 2018. Interestingly, young adults (Gen Z and Millennials) report higher rates of loneliness than older generations, contradicting popular assumptions and putting our young people at an even greater risk.

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Why Are We So Lonely?

Our lives have changed dramatically in the past 30 years, making meaningful connection harder than ever.

• Remote work has become normalized, reducing daily social interactions.
• Community participation has dropped by over 45% since the 1980s, leaving fewer organic opportunities to connect.
• The average American has fewer close friends than 30 years ago—down from 3-4 to just 1-2.
• Digital communication has replaced approximately 40% of face-to-face interactions, making connection feel more distant.
• The average person spends 2.5 hours a day on social media, which has been linked to higher rates of loneliness and anxiety.
• And, of course, the pandemic accelerated social isolation, shifting how we interact with lasting effects.

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What Is Loneliness?

Loneliness isn’t just being alone—it’s the gap between the social connections you have and the ones you want. You can feel lonely in a crowd, in a relationship, or even within a group of friends.

Unlike solitude (which can be restorative and chosen), loneliness is marked by a painful sense of disconnection, exclusion, or not being truly seen.

But loneliness isn’t a character flaw—it’s a natural human response that signals an unmet need for connection, just like hunger signals the need for food.

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The Paradox of Feeling Alone in a Crowd

Loneliness isn’t just about being alone—it’s feeling disconnected, even in a room full of people.

It creeps in when conversations stay shallow, when you have to edit yourself to fit in, or when distractions (like phone-scrolling) dull real connection. You’re there, but your nervous system knows something’s missing.

It also shows up when you’re on the outside looking in—when inside jokes, shared memories, or subtle social cues remind you that you don’t quite belong. That’s why a crowded party can feel lonelier than being home alone.

But the hardest kind of loneliness? When reality doesn’t meet expectation. You show up hoping for real connection but get stuck in small talk. You want closeness with your family, partner or friend, but instead, you just feel… distant.

Because being near people isn’t the same as feeling connected. And our hearts know the difference.

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The Loneliness-Stress Connection

Loneliness and stress feed off each other, creating a cycle that wears down your body and mind. Feeling lonely triggers the body’s stress response, increasing cortisol (your primary stress hormone). Over time, chronically high cortisol levels throw off the HPA axis (which controls your stress response), keeping your body stuck in stress mode.

This leads to inflammation, a weaker immune system, and a higher risk of heart disease, memory problems, and even premature aging. It also makes your brain more sensitive to fear and negativity, which can make social situations feel even harder. Interestingly, loneliness activates similar neural pathways as physical pain and threat detection.

Poor sleep, less exercise, and unhealthy coping habits can follow, making even small stressors feel overwhelming. It can also lead to maladaptive coping behaviors like substance use, that further increase stress. I haven’t had a drink in over 10 years, but I know loneliness was a big factor in my overconsumption of alcohol.

Loneliness and stress create a vicious cycle—stress can lead to social withdrawal, which increases loneliness, which increases stress.

Prioritizing connection isn’t just good for your soul—it’s essential for your health.

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Breaking the Cycle: Finding Balance Between Solitude and Connection

If loneliness and stress fuel each other, then breaking the cycle means tackling both. That doesn’t mean forcing social interactions when you’re exhausted or avoiding alone time out of fear of isolation. It means learning how to be alone without feeling lonely—and cultivating deeper, more fulfilling connections with others.

Let’s start with solitude.

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How to Get Better at Being Alone

Not all alone time is bad. Solitude can be deeply fulfilling when it’s intentional. Here’s how to cultivate a positive relationship with being alone:

• Reframe solitude as a choice. Alone time isn’t a punishment—it’s an opportunity to recharge, and get to know yourself.
• Find solo activities you love. Reading, journaling, hiking, art, or seeing a movie alone can be deeply satisfying. Some of these things are WAY better alone!
• Engage in mindfulness. Instead of resisting solitude, embrace it through deep breathing or mindful walks. Be here now.
• Create structure. Routines around alone time make it feel purposeful rather than accidental. I love to plan some alone time errands, which make alone fun and useful.
• Get comfortable with discomfort. If being alone feels uneasy, practice sitting with it rather than distracting yourself. Pay attention to what’s happening.

(Need some alone-time inspo? This spoken word poem beautifully captures how “alone is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless.”) I’ve listened to it hundreds of times.

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How to Experience Less Loneliness

Loneliness doesn’t mean you need more people; it means you need better connection. Here’s how to build meaningful relationships:

• Prioritize in-person interactions. Digital communication is convenient,but face-to-face time fosters deeper bonds than texting.
• Join groups based on shared interests. Classes, clubs, or volunteering create organic friendships. Giving back has an added stress busting benefit!
• Go Deep: Practice intentional vulnerability. Opening up (even in small ways) fosters deeper connections. This is hard at first, but gets easier.
• Strengthen existing relationships. Regular check-ins, thoughtful gestures, and quality time make a big difference. Let your people know you are thinking about them.
• Limit passive social media use. Scrolling often increases loneliness—focus on real engagement instead.
• Become a regular: I have a few places that I am a regular, coffee shops, grocery stores, the library. They know me and I feel the connection. I’ve even gotten a few free coffees and donuts out of the deal!
• Engage in community. Small talk with neighbors, attending local events, or even chatting with a barista can boost a sense of belonging.

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Pathways to Benefiting from Socializing Again

Dr. Stephen Porges developed the fascinating concept of the Social Engagement System, which explains how our autonomic nervous system is wired for connection. Through facial expressions, vocal tone, and eye contact, this system helps us bond with others. When activated, it actually suppresses our fight-or-flight responses, allowing us to feel safe and connected.

People who have experienced trauma or chronic stress may have difficulty activating this system, making social situations feel threatening rather than comforting. For people with this challenge, there are several approaches that can help:

1. Creating Safety First

• Start with small, predictable social interactions.
• Connect with patient, consistent, and non-judgmental people.
• Have an “escape plan” or time limit for social events to reduce anxiety.
• Try side-by-side activities (like walking or driving) if face-to-face feels overwhelming.

2. Body-Based Approaches

• Low-pressure movement with others – Activities like walking side by side, stretching, or casual games (like tossing a ball) can make socializing feel more relaxed.
• Micro-movements – Gently rolling your shoulders, shifting your weight, or wiggling your toes in your shoes to release tension.
• Holding something grounding – A warm cup of tea, a smooth stone in your pocket, or even the edge of your sleeve can provide a calming anchor.
• Paced Breathing – Inhale for four counts, exhale for six. This subtly calms the nervous system without drawing attention

3. Gradual Exposure

• Start with less intense forms of connection (texting before calling, online before in-person).
• Keep interactions brief and positive, increasing gradually over time. Go at your own speed.

The key understanding here is that healing involves both the mind and body. For many people with trauma, talking about socializing isn’t enough—their nervous system needs new experiences of safety in connection to rewire these pathways.

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Embracing Solitude, Cultivating Connection

Loneliness isn’t just an emotional state—it has real health consequences. But the good news? Connection is within reach, even in small steps. By understanding the root causes of loneliness and prioritizing meaningful connections, we can start to break the cycle and cultivate a life rich with belonging.

Loneliness and solitude are two sides of the same coin. By strengthening our ability to be alone while also deepening our connections with others, we can break the cycle of isolation and create a more fulfilling, connected life.