Ditch Stress

“We rise by lifting others—and by allowing others to lift us.” — Robert Ingersoll

When most folks are asked what their biggest fear is, public speaking usually comes first, then heights, spiders and death. I would guess that asking for help would slide in somewhere after that.

Why is asking for help so freakin’ scary? Why does accepting it feel just as hard?

For most of us, it starts early and runs deep.

For me, I was raised to be as self-sufficient as possible. My Dad is uber independent, he likes to do everything for himself, and this idea got passed down to me. I came to see myself as sort of a lone ranger, who handles all of her problems on her own.

Honestly, it rarely even occurs to me to ask for help. Like once, I got hit by an SUV as a pedestrian, and thankfully my injuries were not severe, but I walked home alone. It didn’t even cross my mind to ask someone I knew to pick me up.

Relying on yourself becomes a habit, and it can feel scary to break habits. Plus you can add on other terrifying layers: people might see your mess, they might judge you, say no. It can feel safer and easier to be the one offering help, than the one receiving it.

But I can tell you, the train to burnout city is fuelled by trying to do it all yourself.

This is where resentment, exhaustion and stress start to thrive.

We are a fundamentally social species, with an innate need for cooperation and mutual aid. The very heart of being human is our interdependence.

Asking for help leads to so many beautiful things: deeper connection with those you love, the folks in your life feeling needed and valued. Plus let’s face it: things actually getting done! And with that, the relief and lightness you feel.

It takes real courage to ask for help. Even more so to accept it when it’s offered.

How can you start to ask for help?

Start Small: You don’t have to ask people to drive you to the airport, or watch your dog for a month. You can ask for little things, like loading the dishwasher, picking up milk, or grabbing a coffee while they’re up. Build your way up.

Tear off the Band-Aid: There comes a time when some day has to become today. Pick a day, an ask and a person and then just do it. Once you start, it can get a lot easier.

Say Yes When Offered: When you’re in a season of struggle, if people ask if they can help you, the best answer is YES!

Take Help in the Spirit it’s Offered: Asking for help is also a dance of trust. Others may not help us in the exact way that we want. Maybe they load the dishwasher “the wrong way”, but accepting help is also letting go of control.

Boundaries: Sometimes asking for help is asking for less. Saying no to the extra project, the volunteer commitment, or hosting duties is a way of asking others to lighten your load. When we take on too much, we blow past our capacity.

But here’s the beautiful part:

When we ask for and accept help, we model vulnerability for those around us. Our children, spouses, coworkers, friends, and family feel more permission to ask for the help they need—to not suffer in silence. We shift asking for help from ‘weakness’ to ‘gift.’

We give others a way to lift us up, just as we lift them. That’s how we all rise.